Mother's Day Musings

Most mothers feel accountable to God.  But with adoptive mothers like me, there is a woman on this earth, one that I see face to face, that sacrificed everything so I could have the privilege of raising our son.  So what happens when you fall short, because you will.  What happens when you struggle?  What happens during difficult times when depressions starts to creep in and you think how selfish of me to look to bring happiness into my life in any other way but motherhood?  This brings the famous “mom guilt” to a whole new level, at least it does for me anyway. 

I know how dang lucky I am to be a mother.  It is a privilege denied to many and during the 7 ½ years of trying to grow our family I got a glimpse of what my life would have looked like.  I pleaded for years with God to make me a mother, knowing it would come at the greatest sacrifice of another.  I promised myself all of my struggles with depression and anxiety would be miraculously evaporate with the gift of motherhood.  Our infertility became the scapegoat for my struggles.  After my son was born and over the years and ups and downs of life I have learned that this was just another naïve expectation I had for my life.   Yes the joy and fulfillment that comes from being a mother to my beautiful son has made me whole in so many ways, but for better or for worse my anxiety will always be there and when things get really hard I have to keep a close eye on the depression to make sure it doesn’t run away with me too.

Working in fitness I have learned that loosing a bunch of weight and transforming one’s body is not enough to fix any self-esteem problems that you bring along for the ride.  Your relationship with yourself has very little to do with how you look.  Can changing your lifestyle to begin making yourself and your health a priority make changes in your self-esteem?  Absolutely.  But only if you are working on YOU.  And I mean the real you here.  What you see in the mirror is a representation of you, but it is not who you are.  We are talking about your soul.

I have learned it is unfair for me to put the responsibility of my happiness on the shoulders of my precious son.  His existence in my life will not magically fix all of my struggles.  Those are on me.  I am responsible for creating my own happiness so I can share it with my son, and so I can fully experience and enjoy the light that he brings into my life every day.  And probably most importantly, so he can learn to do this for himself.  I am responsible to feed my soul in the ways it needs.  My struggles exist because I am a human being: a flawed, broken woman who is a good mother who loves her son more than I even knew was possible.

I have learned that maybe being an imperfect parent is actually more helpful to your child than being cookie cutter perfect.  Self-justification?  Maybe.  But let’s face it, when your children continue the circle of life and hopefully become parents themselves they will not be perfect either.  Our kids need to learn how to be a great parent when they are NOT perfect.  How to keep your heart open and when it is broken.  How to smile through the tears.  How to dust yourself off when you fall and to never give up.  

If we are lucky enough, these are the essential lessons we learn through watching our own good parents.  I have incredible parents but some of the big lessons I learned from my parents were in the form of what NOT to do, but that made the lesson more memorable for me.  The lesson came to me in the way I needed to hear it.  God has a way of letting good come from our weaknesses or mistakes.  He is pretty incredible that way.  I find that most of the lessons I learn in life always come back to the incredible power and love of God.  He can make the most dark and impossible situation rise from the ashes, not despite the darkness but the beauty shines through it until the suffocating darkness you were lost in becomes a mere shadow in a painting that creates perspective. 

As mothers, let us stop focusing on the ashes of our weaknesses or mistakes but instead stand in awe at the phoenix that we are slowly becoming through God’s love and grace.  

And take comfort in the the unfinished art piece we are along the way.  God knows what He is doing with us.  God always knows.